Jacob

"We're pregnant!" The most delightful news for a couple, isn't it?

Well, in December 2009, this became our big news.  We had been open to life just four months into our marriage, but never thought it would happen so quickly; consequently, that big news was instantly coupled with "oh my goshes", and tears of joy and panic.  We were having a baby!

We couldn't wait to tell our parents, though,  and deciding on the how and when of our big news flooded our every thought. It had to be meaningful and perfect, right? Afterall, this was the first grandbaby on his side and only the second on mine. It was exciting! What a joy to be able to finally give a parent the title of Grandma or Grandpa. 



We put the sandwiches in bags that said this..

Anyway, we came up with the idea to announce with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because well, his name starts with a P and mine with a J and put a baby in the middle and you have a PB&J. :). We carefully made each one and ended up practically throwing them at our family members because how exactly do you give a PB&J sandwich to someone who isn't hungry? Ya, we didn't think that all the way through. But alas, it was a success and there were many tears of joy to be had. 



Making the sandwiches!



The following weeks of early pregnancy were miserable to the point of eating Zofran --- a drug to help chemo patients with nausea after radiation treatments --- like candy. Get my drift? I was one of the lucky ones.

There were days of some relief and it was in those days when we were able to enjoy first visible kicks, hiccups, and marvel at the life growing inside me. Pregnancy is an amazing gift, isn't it? 

Unfortunately, those moments ended too soon. 

Memorial Day weekend 2010, I noticed that baby hadn't moved for at least five days.  Being a new mom, I didn't think this was alarming because it still seemed so early to monitor movements; I called my physician and he offered to meet me at his office to make sure the baby's heartbeat sounded okay, but I told him I would wait until Tuesday (I called him on a Sunday), lay on my left side and drink juice... He agreed and reassured me that tracking movements is very hard at 24 weeks and it really isn't a sign that anything is wrong because the baby is still so tiny.

I felt no peace after that conversation and panic when laying on my left side and drinking juice did nothing.

Tuesday came, and within a few hours, we went from joy, anticipation, and excitement to sheer sorrow knowing our little baby's heart had stopped beating.

It was an umbilical cord accident at 24 weeks.

The next morning we welcomed that little boy into the world. Jacob Christopher Washburn was born on June 2nd and weighed nearly a pound and measured 10.5 inches long.  He was beautiful and wonderfully made. We were proud parents and blessed to have a son. 

The weeks and months that followed were full of every emotion and to be expected, right? No parent ever prepares to lose a child whether the baby be a stillborn or lost through a miscarriage.  It is such an intimate and personal pain. Every person experiences it in his/her own way.

For those reading this who have experienced this tragedy, I am sorry for your loss. Truly.

I never fully understood the level of communication my husband and I had until after we lost Jacob nor did I ever think I could love him or understand him better than I did.  I've reflected and journaled quite a bit about this very thing, and I can say that using a natural system gave us the foundation to 'deal' with this sad time in our lives mainly due to the fact that we were forced to communicate differently and more holistically on a daily basis. 

Communicating intimately, about our fertility, our plans for children, and our marriage prior to this tragedy, allowed us to communicate a little easier our grief.  I thank God every day that He gave us strength to carry this cross -- but more importantly, to carry it together. 
 

Charting postpartum was difficult.  I had a minor surgery after delivery and white stamps of fertility populated majority of my chart which made it even harder, but we pushed through and continued to love each other in different ways when loving each other physically was impossible.   

Was it challenging? Yes.

 

Were there times when charting seemed impossible? Yes.

 

Did we want to give up? Absolutely.

But we didn't. We knew that if we did, our lines of communication would start to crumble.  We needed to continue to communicate the ugly emotions and feelings and work through them together or losing Jacob would have meant the beginning of an unhealthy marriage.

Yes, charting became that foundational for us, and it took losing Jacob to understand how much stronger we were as a couple because of it.

When I said charting was pro-marriage, I meant it.

God blessed us and gave us this truth. We are grateful for Him and His faithfulness, the love and openess we have in our marriage, and the life He gave us as a result of that love.